Hilary 98 to 99

30 August 98

Hilary

This letter is in response to a letter and telephone call from my mother, to you, after receiving a letter, which by all accounts did not go very well. This could be for one of two reasons :

1 This was a continuation of what I have had to put up with for over 4 years.

That is, all you Doehouse Mafia, constantly trying to attack me by isolating my friends and relatives with unfounded accusations, abuse, and insults. In the vain hope of turning them against me and making my life a misery. At least I do not get spat at, have my tyres let down, car scratched, junk mail, abusive phone calls, cold shouldered, and insulted at this distance, unlike my fond memories of Orkney.

I know how it is done and have had reports from many who were approached by Pauline with tales of woe. First you tell a horrific story and wait for the listener to gasp in horror, then say some thing should be done. At this point Pauline says she can do nothing, what are you going to do to help me, etc. Hopefully then you have recruited another storm trooper to carry out some reprisal against me. All very neat and tidy, with no come back on the real instigator. The real casualty is the newly recruited storm trooper, who fired with hatred, commits a foolish act. The classic family of duped fools are the Gowlands, and long may they rot in hell. Fortunately most can see through the ploy, and report what is happening. The Baptist Church on the other hand are ridiculously gullible, and have totally discredited themselves. I should of course forgive the miss informed and gullible, who like yourself have heard one side of a story and never bothered to check the facts, or in your case never approached me with the stories, when you first heard them, to hear my side. You may have been surprised that I would have divorced her immediately, and that would probably be in 1991 when I found life becoming very unpleasant. It is not surprising that I suspect this to be the real reason for your letter, once you have made contact with my mother, then you can let rip the poison. My mother is confused but still thinks there may be another reason.

2 You tried to make contact with your genetic family because of depression, or the mind control is wearing off, leaving you in a state. Caught by surprise with the phone call without the time to get your self together you lashed out instinctively a stream of abuse you are programmed to issue, without thinking of what the phone call was about. My mother said that you did not talk about her, or your self, but talked about how awful I am, and how disgusted you are to have me as a father etc.

She believes that you hate me because it is the reverse of love, and you are disorientated and totally confused. The telephone conversation was so different from the letter you wrote, which she had difficulty in reading because of the poor grammar and spelling, not to mention poor hand writing. She said the letter is as bad as the letters I used to write at your age, which could well be true. It is a fact that you can isolate your self and make yourself very unpopular by attacking the offspring, to the parent. This also goes for criticising Graham, you have not endeared yourself to Sue. The same goes for abusing me to my mother, and surprisingly my mother criticising you to me, even after your four years of abuse to me. It is a strange old world!!!

I do have your letter in front of me and have translated it over the phone to your grandmother. That is the reason for this letter and her assumption that we are dealing with case 2 not a continuation of the case 1 above.

This is not the first time you made contact with my mother, the last time was last year before Christmas. What you do not know is what happened on the receipt of your letter. First my mother phoned me and wanted to know what to do, she was convinced that you were in trouble, trying to break from your past and willing to start again. (I was not, after all I do have some unpleasant letters written by you, in your own hand without prompting or incitement from me. I doubt if you dared to show them to Steve as suggested in my reply). Once my mother was convinced that things were getting better, I contacted Judith your Aunt who agreed to go to Edinburgh, make contact, render any assistance required, even invite you to over Christmas with them. I did not think that the sight of me on your door step would be a good idea and would jeopardise your escape and rehabilitation. My next phone call was to Orkney to check on the state of play up there. Later I heard you were expected back in Orkney after Christmas. Every one was informed, all contact aborted, and we all kept are heads down, until the next time. On my part I actually stopped the standing order to you because you were no longer at University, did not receive a student grant which the standing order was to top up, and like me was working. I believe you were in debt, but can assure you not as much as I am, as I still support Pauline and Neil to the tune of £300 per month on top of the payment to the Child Support Agency and the Legal Aid Board, and my pay has gone down not up due the stoppage of overtime. While you have any contact with Pauline you can have no normal contact with the rest of your family, or are treated at arms length. We have all been hurt by Pauline, and although you keep in touch with Chris and Mandy and maybe Shirley I doubt if Pauline would approve. You have a long way to go to convince me you have come through this nightmare. I expect you to have normalised your position with all your relatives, been forgiven ,and shown some act of empathy, before approaching me, for I will check!!!

I am becoming hardened to these mind games and abuse.

Before I continue with some of what my mother can remember about the phone call let us look at the past. To be honest you had little or no contact with me prior to the eventual bust up. The last WOOFer tried to warn me that something was amiss. She said I was kind and patient not at all what she has been told. She told me to spend time with the Girls as they are confused. Like a normal pigheaded male this warning went right over my head, mores the pity, but even so it was far to late.

THE FAMILY

Pauline

The centre of the family was Pauline. She made her self responsible for the well-being of all the children, and I was to support her. I had no or very little contact other than to say good morning occasionally good night and provide transport. She told me what was happening in the house and told you what was happening out side. None of it the whole truth, with her own spin on events. I do not need to say yet again I have never hit Pauline, I was brought up by my mother never to hit a woman. Much to my disadvantage, I tried to act the gentleman and put up with events, or found the course of least resistance. All the family was in a religious huddle devout Christians and insufferably pompous. I was stopped telling bedtime stories, or even the, in car stories which was a feature of our life before Pauline. As I was not religious I told stories or parables to assist you in making sense of the world and to be inquisitive. That was not Pauline's style and she had control of what came into the house and what went out of the holy household. It was not always like that.

When I met Pauline she had just been diagnosed as having low blood pressure and hardening of the arteries. She had bad days and good days all in one day. She suffered severe mood swings (still does) and at times of the month very aggressive.

The rot set in once we bought the Cashmeres in 90. While we doing the feet of 30 struggling horned goats we were both battered by horns and feet. At the end of the day I had one or two scratches and red marks on my body, Pauline was covered in bruises which was alarming. That evening she was tired and thus abusive. At night she exploded in a violent rage of biting, hair pulling and scratching. I held her down until the fury had subsided, as I have done on many occasions, but this time at my wits end. I told her to go to the Doctors to do something about her bruising, take something to thin the blood or stop clotting, and while she was at it sort out her violent mood swings, because I would not take it forever. To my regret she did go to the Doctors but could not admit she was out of control, and accused me of violence.

She returned with Tamazipan an anti depressant, addictive, and mind altering drug, which she still takes.

The rest is history, once the first lie is told it is just a hop step and skip from the tangled web of deceit which was spun for nine years.

In the early days I believed as did most that her behaviour was due to her previous marriage and abuse she suffered. ( Thomas found this to be untrue and has accused her of destroying her own family and Tony). Later I believed her Hormones were out of balance as most of her severe attacks occurred during PMT or PMS as now known. In the last years I was convinced she suffered from Neurosis which is a personality disorder not a mental illness caused by the feelings of rejection from her father. After Patrick died she said she saw visions of him in heaven and heard him and god speaking to her in church. We non believers call this Paranoid Schizophrenia, which is what Patrick was diagnosed as suffering from and is genetic. Go to the library and look up the symptoms of late developing Schizophrenia, it is a classic description of Pauline, especially where it says that sufferers are extremely plausible and normally religiously motivated. I shall not go into a catalogue of the abuses, but suffice to say I found peace mucking out and tending the farm I never found in the house, and consequently was seldom inside. You need not believe me and can carry on with your mind control experiment but I will give you some thing to mull over.

If one lie is exposed, does that cast doubt an all that has been said. Now think of what you have been told by Pauline is any of it wrong, more to the point is any correct?

Telling the same lies do not make them true just easier to remember.

What evidence have you except what you have been told, and who told you , and why were you told.

Have you ever questioned what you were told, and checked the facts with the other affected parties.

Enough of this “!”!!!!

The rest of the Family can wait for another day the memories are still painful. We should I suppose deal with things you told my mother.

I do not want a Divorce !

I am gobsmacked , it is true I have heard this before from Orkney and those in the know are telling the truth. I have all the letters from my solicitor, his disgust at the delaying tactics of her solicitor. The reason I was not divorced in 1996 is because I am paying £300 a month. While that little nest egg is coming in there is no rush.

I am at my wits end paying out nearly £500 per month every month to legal Aid, CSA and Pauline all will cease on divorce. With your wondrous powers of deduction why do I want it to continue ?

I should reach a negotiated settlement !

Yes please!!!!

The last offer was her to buy me out for £30,000 I would love to take the house , contents, farm stock, implements and the rent from fields and cottage, and offer her £30,000 . She would reject it immediately, as do I .

This letter is getting morbid again, lets look at what your wrote.

First off it is good that you are making the effort to write.

It is really wonderful that you have met Steve, and are thinking of setting up house together. This means to me that maybe the old religious prejudices are being given up and you may not suffer the double problem of loss of faith and realisations that you have been cynically used and abused. A cautionary tale do not be too hasty in getting married, get the wildness out of the system before children and husband. Your mother (Shirley) was married at 20 with a child and never reached her full potential, consequently played catch-up with life ever after.

I am of course sorry about your depression, but that is a consequence of living in a confused state bombarded with conflicting evidence. You may be quoting chapter and verse the Doehouse tune, but deep down your mind is in turmoil and with the belief you have no one to turn to can be awesome. It appears to be a condition which has escaped your sister who has no doubts and is wrapped in her religious blanket of denial.

I do not suffer from depression or hit the depths some folk can, the black dog keeps well away from my door, a thankful inheritance from my father and Grandfather. I can not imagine what it is like. I think your grandmothers both suffered periods of depression but were not clinical.

This brings me neatly onto Genetic verse Environment. You are genetically predisposed to certain problems and difficulties. You may not want to keep in touch with your family, but they have dealt with all the problems genetics can throw at them, their own way. It may be more beneficial to learn how they coped with life, than to ask complete strangers how they would, hypothetically, deal with a problem they do not have.

For example if we can use that word, which will send me directly to hell, without passing go, SEX. Sex is an obsession of the Church, it is OK to do it, for children, but for gods sake, do not enjoy it. You can kill a fellow being and be forgiven, but jump into bed with some one and enjoy it, and you could be on the slippery slope to damnation. Woe betide the one who enjoys sex, with the same sex. This phobia of sex, prevalent in the Church, is not helpful to someone sexually active, which I suspect you are. I say this because your mother is, or at least was extremely gifted in a healthy sexual appetite, as was your Grandmother. How they dealt with it is more use to you, than sweeping the subject under the table, or calling it a cardinal sin. I dread to think what kind of perverse advice you would receive from Pauline, whom you insist on treating as your mother. You may not agree with the way Shirley dealt with her problems, but it shows one way of doing things, which you can learn by.

Your Job may not be likeable, or productive, you do not have to do service to the community, if you have the need to, you can do this in your spare time, and no one should look down on others because of what they do for work, as eventually we all retire and at the great leveller of retirement it is who we are, not what we were, that counts. “ Warning” do not jump into marriage as an escape from a dead end job!

Going back to college is going to cost you . I received notification from the Students Awards Agency that you have not applied for a grant and are not entitled to one. If you go back into full time education you may loose the first year or more of assistance as Graham did.

The one bright note of your letter was that you were remembering Rye, something your sister has totally forgotten, or chosen to.

I remember an incident when some farm visitors asked where Joanne came from she replied “Hastings “ which is not quite true. At the next convenient time in the veg patch I took her to one side and talked of our life pre Pauline, and about her mother , my past, and future hopes. Like a Judas she went in the house and told Pauline which started an argument , and days of cold shoulder. I never tried to get close to Joanne after that.

You are different in character and looks. You may have been told that I had a preference for one of the children, which is untrue. When You were born Joanne was still a grizzly baby not sleeping at nights. To give you a chance, Shirley looked after you, and I tried to keep Joanne amused. She had problems which demanded attention, you did not, you were a much more rounded character and very likeable , with non of the personality problems that dogged your sister. If you can remember anything about Rye or even Fife you may remember many happy times.

As a single parent I can honestly say that although constantly tired, short of cash, and over worked it was the most pleasant part of my life, most enjoyable and rewarding. So how did a model single parent become a monster, the answer is, he did not, you choose to believe it!!!!

All the family expect you to come out of this nightmare first. I doubt if Joanne will ever escape or will be able to cope with the truth, so I hope she is content, and choose to forget about her.

I wish you well and all the best with your struggle and journey into the light of reality. I am reluctant to jump in too early, or get involved until the links with ALL AT DOEHOUSE has been cut for ever. You have been ill served up there.

My mother said she will forward any mail you wish to send, we can not risk letting you know where we are. By the way its Grannies birthday on 21 September, a card might help.

3 October 98

Hilary,

It would appear you have managed to upset your Grand Mother, My mother, again. You even failed to wish her a happy birthday. Grand parents are put on this earth to interfere with parents, and spoil the grand children, not be the butt of abuse. I am not sure what damage you have done this time, whether it is irrevocable or transient. I am the last person you expect to intercede on your behalf, please do not make it more difficult than it is already.

My mother did say you expect an apology. I was advised to telephone you and not put it in writing which will one day be used against me.

I unreservedly apologise for marrying Pauline, against my better judgement, and subjecting my family to her spite, violence, and abuse without interceding on your behalf. I did not handle the marriage in my normal management style.

In management you can either :

Do what you are told : Which means you will please those above you.

Be distrusted by your peers and disliked by your juniors.

Do what’s best: Which means you will distrusted by those above you disliked by your peers, and juniors.

Do what is right. Which means you will be disliked and distrusted by all.

My normal style of management is alternating between doing what is best and what is right, never as I am told. At home I did what was best , or what I was told, never what was right.

It is strange to act out of character just to please.

It is all genetics, in my case the strong logical, methodical, and controlled Dutch influence coupled with pure Celtic passion, rebellion and artistic Irish influence. It is no wonder my life is all feast and famine. You must be suffering the same to a lesser extent.

At present my life is a mess and yet I seem more at ease and conciliatory to all, but deep down the hurt and dissolution is ticking over waiting to flood out, when least expecting it. I find I am not so tolerant of religion as I used to be and can see the passions of Bradlaugh, and closer to home Eric Stockton. I do not intend to be an atheist martyr, but feel stronger than I have ever done to nail my true colours to the mast and stand up for what I believe, if only to counter the evil caused in the name of the true religion , which ever one that is.

Soon you will be setting up home with Steve, well good luck with that. I was a bit older than you when I first shared my pad and made all the common mistakes.

There is an great deal of redefining and tolerance involved, and even if not successful the first time, its and experience worth having. Mind you not every one is like Carol thankfully.

My mind just wondered back 30 odd years, and I find myself smiling. In my case I was already living in my two bedroom flat before I met Carol at a party. She was a Student at the new Polytechnic at Portsmouth and about to be evicted. I was singularly attractive all of a sudden.

She was an attractive not pretty girl and I was gullible, so she moved in.

She was unique, short round face with a pointy chin and huge brown eyes. Her hair was natural auburn and unruly. Not because of a failure of the hair just the fashion at the time was to sweep the hair back, she had a high centre crown and the hair of the brow refused to go back. Out of public glare the front top of her head was always in curlers or being assaulted by a hair drier. If she waited two more years she would have been the height of fashion. The one lasting memory is her odour. Long before aroma therapy, she oozed pheromones of a most stimulating manner. I have never known any one since to ooze appeal like she did. She was aware of her aroma but consider it a flaw, thus used large amounts of French splash on, designed by a sterile French nose who abandoned the pleasures of life years before. The side affect of 4 to 5 hours after an application when the true aroma struggled through and mixed with dying slash on was like a frontal assault on the senses. Luckily she would reapply the undercoat and primer before males became uncontrollable. The flat, furnishings, clothes, everything picked up her arresting and arousing aroma. She was probably the scruffiest person I have known. Only use a coat hanger when the floor is full. What she did with cigarette ends is unbelievable. Every one smoked in those days. On entering the flat at the end of the day she would kick off her shoes and strip off on the way to the bedroom. Clothes fell and stayed where they landed , as an additive to the tatty carpet. If we were not going out she would spend the evening dressed in a tee shirt and sarong only. I had spent most of my youth in war zone hot spots in the far east and wore sarongs all the time, thus had a vast collection which she took a fancy to, and confiscated. The flat contained an old 3 piece suit but we spent all our time on 3 huge bean bags, which were far more comfortable.

It is true what they say about red heads in her case she was ballistic. From raging torrent to placid and back again before you could blink. I discovered patience and circular walks of differing lengths to coincide with my senses recovery time. Life was not boring, turbulent, unpredictable, and chaotic. It is what in those days we called living on the edge, or close to the edge. Nothing short of a guaranteed life span reducer. Fortunately it all came to a rapid and unpredictable end when we argued in the morning while she was ironing an odd remnant from the floor. I left the flat in poor grace leaving her spitting feathers and still throwing things at the closed door as I was running down the stairs. I never saw her again.

I arrived back at the flat at mid day to apologise but all I could find was the Fire Brigade Police and a large crowd ogling the burnt out shell of 3 flats and a shop.

There was nothing to do but to get another flat quick before I was blacklisted. I moved into the garret opposite the Osbourne pub, but stayed alone this time. I shared the bathroom and toilet with the landing below, which comprised of two sets of Gays, male and female.

I was told by the police the fire started in my flat. An iron had been left on the wooden ironing board and not been switched off. It had burnt right through the board before it set fire to the carpet.

We all make mistakes and that is what the first house/flat is for. A chance to sort out no go areas, and aspirations and become broke, probably for the first time. So enjoy the passions and pain of the first nest, done it, got the tee shirt and learnt by it, never again!!!!

While in a reflective mood , Did I tell you how you got your name!

The old Gaved traditions held sway for both of you. It is considered good luck if.

1 always marry some one whose surname begins with G, it is supposed to be very good luck. You’ll have to ask Shirley if it works

2 all children must have a J in the initials.

Hence Joanne ( named after Shirley) Marie (named after aunt Mary).

In your case I got the boot in. Jane after (Lionels relative) and Hilary after half of the well liked duo Hils and Fills. These two beauties shared the flat opposite Dave and myself. Felicity (Fils) was tall elegant, sophisticated, Hilary was petite , attractive, approachable, and clever. Probably not over intelligent but very smart, and quick witted. I have never known any one to light up a group of people like she did. Most of us chased after Felicity but always remembered Hilary long after she had gone. She was a silent stunner who dispersed into the affections of all she came in contact with. If I had a daughter I would have liked her to be like Hilary. Hilary had the odd notion that she was a “Hilary”, and the name drives the character. I gave it a try, so far it does not seemed to have worked, but early days yet. It seems to have worked for Hilary Clinton, on the surface she seems to carry the Hilary characteristics.

It was difficult for me, growing up in the swinging sixties. Free love, the pill, women’s lib, gay rights, Vietnam, Borneo, Malaya, Aden, Mauritius, Seychelles, Maltese independence, Beira and South Africa. While the western world became frivolous I came serious and political. Loosing friends in combat does that to you, I was well out of touch with the important issues of the time like, what was top of the pops, or what fashion was in. When all about were throwing flowers I was directing fighters to intercept bombing missions. When the youth of the day were selling them selves for pot I was intercepting slave traders, gun runners, and communist infiltrators. I was a man out of my time, and frustrated by the petty inconsequential meaningless passions of life which surrounded me. In keeping my life, I lost the humour in it, but have tried to catch up on what was missed, and by all accounts not very successfully. Now the Nineties are on us like a rerun of 30 years ago. Keep your feet on the floor and focus your mind to what really matters.

In your head strong conversation with my mother, she was surprised at the amount of hatred you expressed. You were also told that Judith lived near by.

You intimated that it was up to her to make contact. The fact of life is, like a drug addict, you have to hit the bottom before you can accept help and rise up. Like they say on the stock market, if you drop a dead cat from high enough it will bounce. I your case you have a long way to fall before you loose the influence of Pauline, and only then can you be helped. So keep falling, keep taking the tablets, and keep away.

What still surprises me is it has taken so long. Pauline’s own children forgave their father and made contact within 3 years. In your case, not only am I not forgiven (for something which did not happen) but your hatred has increased with time. I am obviously the blame for all you ills, a handy tool of denial. You will have to come to terms one day with what has happened, you are responsible for your own life, so stop blaming others for the utter mess you find yourself in. Responsibility is to be accepted not avoided, before life has any real meaning.

Unlike you I do not hate you, pity yes , but not hate. I do not think you are entirely to blame for your condition, but you are responsible for not coming out of it. I apportion a great deal of blame on Pauline and Jonathan who fed you utter crap for over 6 years. In Johns case he could have been told what was allegedly happening and saw himself as the defender of the family. It is true he was extremely provocative and hostile from 1991 onwards. You all put my life and actions under a microscope to find evidence of the beast that I am, and yet there is so little to go on in 6 years.

I do not feel hatred towards Pauline, She is mentally ill and needs treatment. I do not feel the same about John who just disgusts me. I believe he is having problems getting his life together, good !! We fell out badly in 91 when I refused to allow him to spend a holiday with a Child molester in Dunbar. At the time I had no objections with him having a sexual relations with an older man( he already had, I suspected with Roger) but this one combined religious fervour with his practices. My basic instinct is to oppose any combination of sexual practice and religion as it only ends in tears and is physiologically damaging.

I therefore did not allow him to go on his holiday. Pauline broke the news, what reason she gave for refusal beggars belief. Religion is mind control and should be kept separate from politics, sex , and relationships, or leaves the victim confused and malleable to external influence. The abuse of religion is worse than abuse of the body, as the damage lies hidden for years before it emerges with devastating physiological damage. When you look at the Doehouse evangelist you can see what I mean QED

The divorce is getting nearer. The property will be sold and life will return to the normality of a liveable pay packet. After 4 years of poverty I am like a child in anticipation. To be able to get out of debt and eventually make plans for the future will be most welcome. Will you be part of my life in the future??

Time will tell, I am not bothered one way or the other, you can not be the child I knew in 91, what you are or who you think you are is in your domain not mine. We are both strangers to each other, neither recognising the other as what we imagined.

Any change in that situation is going to take time, openness, and soul searching.

I do not blame you for not trying. It will be harder for you than me, and there is little in it to be gained for me, but much to loose. You have more to gain and less to loose than you think.

Pax Vobiscum

29 December 99

Hilary

You sent a card to my mother with your address, and a wish to get back in touch. I am afraid the last attempt you made has muddied the waters a bit. My mother was very upset and hurt the last time you communicated by telephone and indicated that she would have nothing to do with you while you were at war with me. This is causing a problem, as I will have nothing to do with you until you have repaired the damage and hurt you caused, to all my relatives including my mother. My mothers insistence to have nothing to do with you, until our relationship is normalised is totally against my wishes.

Joanne tried to make contact this Christmas after 5 years, and your re-emergence is very suspicious. It could be you are both caught up in the millennium fever and want to put the last years behind you with the old century. It could also be the arrival of little Ellie May that has concentrated minds on families. The chance to start afresh still has the old problem to solve, what do you do with your Northern Isles Puppet Master. She has not served you well, and still you hang on to the vindictive, and screwed up hag. While you call her Mum and run back to Orkney there can be nothing between us. You are still in contact, as again this year she was taking with affection about her two daughters, which can only mean you and Joanne. If you do not realise now how she has screwed your life up, and poisoned any meaningful relationship, there is little hope. I will have to die a lonely sad old man as you wish.

I have just come back to the house after a very pleasant Christmas with a girl friend. The house has been empty for a week and is bitterly cold. I have a wood burning stove for heating which has not managed to heat the water and is struggling with being unattended in winter. A week with gas fired central heating spoils you. The dog and cat are glad to be back but they both have good coats and well established territories. I hope you had an enjoyable Christmas with your young man, probably not the one you had last time. I shall be on duty over the Millennium as will most of the emergency services, but unlike them we get no extra payments. I expect to celebrate the new year on my own in a remote radio site monitoring all the distress frequencies from 2300 to 0700. I can not get too excited about one day even if date unique, it is who you spend your days with that is more important. I hope this is the last new year stuck in a radio shack.

That’s it for now, If you want to communicate, that is fine by me, but do so via my mothers address, just put a letter inside marked for me. If it works out my mother will eventually get in touch herself. If you do not want to communicate, that is also fine by me, but do not try to communicate with my mother direct, she will not appreciate it.

Eile mit Weile!

pax vobiscum

ps As you are keeping in contact with Shirley, Her birthday in on 15 October- the same day your Grandfather died. A card would be the smart course of action!!!!!