Hilary 1997

                                                13 March 97

Dear Hilary

Thank you for your letter, I found it very informative, and will obviously respond in full at a later date. I have complained throughout the last 3 years than I went from a single parent with a good relationship with my children to the position where Pauline has turned my children against me and is using them as a weapon, your letter shows this quite clearly and will be sent to my solicitor with the rest.

I will deal firstly with the Student grant and your misconceptions about finance.  I have returned your copy of the students allowance for 1996-97, and the letter sent to my solicitor by the SAAS dated 10 January 97.

1 On your letter, note the date of 31/10/96 and the date on the SAAS letter which happens to be the first notification that you are claiming student grant with me as the parent/guardian.  It is not surprising that I found it difficult to believe your quoted figure without proof.  I should of course trusted you as you were my daughter !

2 I did not receive the letter of award.  I expect Doehouse did, if they or you do not communicate with me how am I suppose to know you did not get an award of the full grant.  I did not even know you were going to university.  I have not qualified for a degree course in ESP or mind reading !! I do not need to keep in touch with you, you have nothing to give me, however you do need something from me.  It is thus in your interest and responsibility to keep in touch not mine.

3 I have contacted the SAAS who informed me they could not pay you until I produced a P60.  It appears they may even have delayed Mrs Smedley’s claim until the paperwork is sorted.  Not only has your lack of communications affect your grant it may have harmed others.  That is not very helpful,  silly girl !!

4 I am still overdrawn in the bank to the tune of £1995.00 so a cheque from me at this moment will not be any use to you. If you gave me your bank details I could set up a standing order for monthly payments which will be honoured by the bank. and last the duration of your course, and with a one off payment for the term gone as soon as I can.  This could be updated when I receive the new letter of award. Alternatively I could pay you at the start of term the amount for that term, or any other way you wish, but I must be contacted and told which is best for you.  I could pay nothing, if I chose, as it is a voluntary contribution, that unhelpful snippet came from the SAAS !!! A little forethought could save a large degree of distress, it does not always pay to be half principled. If it were me I would suffer and tell you to go to hell, but then I am principled






THE CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY

You seem to think they or I pay you money !!!
You are a minor, dependant on a parent or guardian.  It is the parent/guardian/person with care that receives money from the DHSS. It works like this :-

Pauline claims for DHSS payment.
DHSS recovers money from me.

This has been the big complaint against the CSA, the Children it is intended to assist receive no assistance directly, only the government.
The absent parent can pay more than is being received by the parent if the CSA decides, for example: even if I pay £1000.00 per month Pauline only receives the same DHSS payment.  The DHSS payment is means tested to include child benefit, and free medical support. Relief is available on Council Tax, Prescriptions, School meals, Mortgage and insurance, subsidised travel, etc.

The payment by an absent parent is also means tested to ensure that it remains better for one parent to continue working, paying taxes and supporting the system, than giving up work and relying on state benefit.
The dividing line between not working and working all hours god gave to keep your head above debt is very narrow.  I have often wondered why I bust a gut to stay solvent.

When maintenance is awarded by the court it is not means tested. The award is decided on the whim of the Sheriff, which can be challenged and brought back to court to alter downwards if payments become too crippling.  When the CSA makes an award, The absent parent immediately returns to court to ensure the deductions are fair and affordable. The CSA claim Pauline delayed the assessment of the award until you left school. This meant I was to pay the maximum to her and when the award was made, continue to pay the CSA when Pauline's maintenance would have naturally ceased.  Neil for example pays £120 a month to his ex wife, I pay considerably more.  The CSA assessed I should pay £200 per month only. I have paid more than that for over 2 years, which means I am not well off, and you are not well off.
At the last court hearing Pauline admitted under oath (not that she is very familiar with the truth) that she received £400 from me per month and about £412 from the DHSS. That amounts to £9740.00 per anum tax free.  This is more than a Watch Officer in the Coastguard earns, who has to work 42 hours a week and do 12 shifts.  She has to live on more than three times what I have to live on with the same amount of dependents.  It may come as a surprise to you that the inland revenue, DHSS ,  and CSA are very interested in her.  She may face prosecution for fraud!  We had to live on much less than she is receiving when the family was together, We had to make do with £600 per month not £812.00. You will forgive me if I lack tears at this stage.  You should have been well looked after, if not the blame is elsewhere, Doehouse certainly received enough money for all of you to be well off.    

yours sincerely

18 March 97

Dear Hilary

No excuses, no reasons, just facts, and you can start to work it out if you wish. It is your life, you have made very serious mistakes, as we all have you have to live with them and come to terms with your actions in your own way, but you can not blame others for not seeing life the way you do.

1 TRUST, AND TRUSTING
You say you are still at university, which is a centre for knowledge. I assume it also develops your powers of reason, judgement, and stimulates the search for truth.  If this is so you are in great need of guidance, and may need support both financial and emotional. It must be assumed that your hatred (as expressed in your letter) comes from strongly held belief in what you have been told or seen. If you really want to understand what has happened to you and have a thirst for knowledge, you will find that the cornerstone of your trust has serious flaws.  Your very beliefs may be shattered and you will not feel good about yourself.  You must ensure that you have good emotional support before you can trust again.

I do not expect you to do or believe anything now, but do not throw this letter away just yet.  I do not expect to see you ever again, I have come to terms with that and sent you your past in the form of photographs etc.  I hold nothing to remind me of you, for me, you and Joanne are already dead.  You both had ample opportunity to make amends and develop some form of rapport.  Life is full of differing paths to follow, you just happen to be embarked on a course so alien to me that it could be painful waiting for a change of fortune which may never happen.

I have kick started my life found purpose and reason, I have not found the universal happiness we all seek but have come to terms with my lot.  You must do the same.  You must come to terms and trust someone who is interested in you.  I do not mean rush out and get married but it will do ( any port in a storm). If I get carried away further in this letter and sound harsh  or bitter, at this stage I do not hate you or your sister.  I do not forgive you or understand you.  I do not hold a grudge, I want to be left alone. Orwell said that the need for revenge diminishes when the means are available.  I care not for grandchildren, I care less for the name of Goggin, you may change that any time you want.  I am not the universal sinner or the saint, just very human.

I must assume you trust what you know !
You believe those that told you !
You saw no reason to question !
You saw no harm in telling others!
You do not see why !
You do not want to know why !

I know some of What, a little of when, I understand wither, but do not know WHY ! Like you I do not want to know why, only what has happened.
Your letter gave me some insight of the problems, so I will address the issues you raised.


2 I ACCUSED YOU OF SLEEPING WITH JON AND SAM

I am really having a problem with this one.  I do not understand where you got that idea from.  The fact is I knew for certain that Jon was gay in 1988 and believed Sam was of the same ilk by 1990.  Pauline did not find out until 1994 about Jon and do not know if she still thinks Sam is straight.  Sleeping with the two "boys" is the least of my concerns.  My main concern was the coming out !   A very good friend of mine, sadly passed away, was gay, and we talked at length about his life and problems.  His belief and reason for the problems with his father was not solved until he came out.  Many years ago "gays" were called "Queers".  He believed this was because the sexual proclivity clashed with the drive of the " selfish   gene"(Richard Dawkins theory).  The problem is the primeval drive to procreate clashes with the" one life " lifestyle.  The effects are " Queer" or very odd.  The release for the misguided emotions are expressed by psychological behavioral problems directed toward the parents, normally the male, or occasionally the ideal male.  This normally expresses itself in a battle of wills against parental behaviour.  It is self destructive and only controllable once the subject has "COME OUT" when all emotions are honestly addressed.  The behaviour pattern of someone "Coming Out" is bizarre, hence the term GAY.  My problems with Jon was his, reluctance to COME OUT, and the problems it caused, not a belief he was  sleeping with you!

SAM:-

I always thought you hated his guts.  It was more than I could do to stop you killing him.  I have fond memorise for your sibling rivalries. It would never occur to me that you could, or wanted to, displace that tubby boy he was infatuated with, at the church club you went to on Friday nights.  Sam is so lacking in character, so un threatening, so much is his own weird world, that I can honestly say I never thought about him.  That is my crime if you want one, Sam (the youngest and most cherished son) was thought of by me as waste of space and not worth a passing thought.  He has achieved nothing, and will do no better in his life time.  He is the nearest thing to a sheep in human clothing I have found. He has the same ambitions.   I can understand your fury to be emotionally linked to Sam, and I would deserve your life times disgust if I thought it.

You can be rest assured that on this issue I plead NOT GUILTY.

I do not understand where you arrived at this destructive idea that I accused you of sleeping with two GAY boys.  I do not know who would benefit by me saying it or what I could have achieved by saying it.  Such a distorted and perverse statement would have a devastating effect in our relationship.  I am totally baffled why you even believed it!  Why wait until now to confront me with the accusation!  Who was I to have told ! What is in it for them !!!!!! If I were you I would be very suspicious of who told You ! Q.E.D


VIOLENCE DIRECTED AT JON -

I shall begin with my life, which may shed light on this problem ;
I was put into an orphanage, in 1950, I spoke German/Dutch of a 3 year old
with very few words of English. For my age I had a strong foreign accent.
Every one in the orphanage was there because their parents were killed by the Germans in the war. I was not popular, and frequently beaten.

I left the orphanage at 6 years of age, an independent spirit and a strong sense of justice. I clashed with my father, he beat me frequently and savagely until I was 13.  At 13 I stood up to him, He never touched me again, we developed a different relationship.  He was Diabetic when I was 11 and my mother had a nervous breakdown. I looked after them both until I ran away to sea at 15. What I am explaining is that I have a strong sense of self preservation, hit me I instinctively fight back. I have not changed my height in the past 20 years I am and was 5' 8" every year that passes I remain the same height but get older.
My childhood was happy, I was a free spirit totally out of control, hence the many beatings.  The beatings only made me tougher, and capable of enduring pain better.  Life was still good, I was a happy child.

Let us look closely at Jon :

I do not think you will find any evidence of violence towards Jon until 1993. As a violent bully you would of expected me to beat Jon when he was small, not wait until he could hit me back. I believe he was beaten by Pauline on many occasions , as were other members of the family, including you. No one was beaten by me. Any one say anything different they are lying, and you would be doing yourself a disservice  to believe them.

Jon had his problems, every meal time was a battlefield, every issue was a war. In 1993 Jon was bigger than me, and of course still is, if not grown bigger still. Since 1993 I have had many arguments with Jon and hit Jon on only 3 occasions.  The first was following an argument at the meal time when I told him off in the passage way.  He struck out at me, and tried to kick me in the balls. I was quicker than he expected and hit him. He was warned never to do that again or I would hit him harder. The next altercation was again in 1993, in the Byre when he threw a pitch folk and grooming kit at me. I went into his room and passed a few terse comments at him, which resulted in me being beaten round the head with books and treated to a cup of coffee over the head.  I left home. The last time was in 94, He lashed out with his feet again and I lashed out causing him some pain. He left home!
Nothing good to write home about, the straight facts work out yourself who was to blame, and why !
You have never been smacked, or beaten by me, even when you adopted a novel way of shopping. I never hit you, I often comforted you after you had been beaten by Pauline, much to her disgust. I slapped Joanne's face once in 93/94 not hard, no red mark, no damage, except pride. It was not a thing I am proud of after bringing you both up without the need to resort to violence.

Take into account the problems of 93/94 and the life we had prior to that time, you may recall I was the soft touch, all the beatings were done by Pauline. If you are honest with yourself, my actions are blown way out of proportions to the events. It would appear you have a need to blame me for failures in the family. I can honestly say that Jon was not the worsted of the children, or the one with the most problems.  He was the one that resorted to violence, and received what he gave. No other children have been touched by me.  IF I am a "psycho" why has no one else been hurt.  Patrick with his drug taking in the house, Thomas with our regular disagreements, Guy with his money problems, Daniel and his drug trafficing, Sam just for being Sam, or you with your "honesty and shopping", Joanne for being a stupid pratt, and throwing her life away to be a martyr.


When I look back at "THE FAMILY" I wonder why I bothered. So much waste, So much distress, and So much dishonesty.  I can think of many BIG ISSUE sellers that deserve more.


THROWING KNIVES AT JOANNE

On these very rare occasions, I remember an incident, and believe I actually wrote the incident down in my computer, and a note about it to bring up at a counselling session. If my memory serves me right, I was filliting fish with my best filliting knife and Joanne was giving utter gyp.  She was on her holy joe kick, manking and moaning about my total lack of something, in her pious nauseating manner. My reserve snapped. I slammed the knife down on to the chopping board with such a force that I snapped the blade clean off. All that remained of my favourite knife was the handle and 20mm of broken blade. I was furious and threw the handle away hurling abuse at Joanne at the same time.  To my surprise the handle stuck in the airing cupboard door.  It would be physically impossible for any one to repeat the feat again.  Joanne was not in line of fire, did not have to take avoiding action or at any time in danger.  She was upset and ran out in tears.  I should have gone after her but was still furious, and Joanne is still Joanne.

Other than that one, I do not remember. I could be wrong and she remembers some other time on some other planet. If there was another incident which I do not know about or do not remember, I could not have been serious or meant her harm or I would certainly remember.


RUNNING YOU DOWN WITH THE BUS
This is obviously something you remember which is distressing to you. I must assume I was diving forward in full view of you and not reversing, if you are so upset.  My problem with this complaint is: was I driving at you because I hated you ( which I do not and never have ) or some other reason. Was I seriously trying to kill you?  I can answer that one quite easily. I have never tried willingly to put your life or welfare in danger.  I still do not wish to cause you harm or endanger you, even after what you have done to me.  The parental love is still in place, it is not reciprocated and is rejected.  I have to come to terms with that! I do not remember this specific incident which has caused you such distress, and will not try to belittle the incident.  I have not noted it in my diary, or registered the incident in my memory.

I could be totally wrong but the incident may be due to me being upset and driving in a reckless manner.  I hate to admit it but that has happened on many occasions.  I have been made very angry, and driven out of Doehouse in a rage (Totally against the highway code) and driven in a reckless manner which endangered other road users.  I can remember quite a few sundays, driving off to church in a foul mood and driving recklessly.  I have no excuse for reckless behaviour (now called road rage) I can not remember any single incident, there were many in my motoring life, and they go as far back as a bust up with Shirley before we married.  I agree that reckless driving is a terrible crime, but every one does it at some time.  I do not do it every day, and have not driven recklessly since 1994, honest!
It you wish to make an issue of reckless driving, first ensure that Pauline , Neil, Jon, Daniel, Thomas and Guy are squeaky clean, which they are not.
If you want a full explanation to the incident, maybe you could furnish me with further details.  On second thoughts that would mean more contact between us.  I am not ready for that one yet so you will have to store your complaint away, and be satisfied with a sincere apology from me.
SHADOW ON THE WALL

The term came from some one at Doehouse, I can not remember who it was, but the complaint was I was no good as a father, never here, always working, no time for the family, and no better than a Shadow on the wall. The honest truth is that person was absolutely correct. It was said in the August before the big bust up in September 94. It hurt me deeply, and may have contributed to the eventual breakdown of the marriage.  Every cloud must have a silver lining.

Cast your mind back if you dare to Pottingfield road.  We were really happy, as a family.  The only important things in my life were , You and Joanne, and my work. I tried not to let my work dominate or encroach on the family, and tried to supply a loving and safe environment to raise children. When Pauline came on the scene, she required more of my attention.
There was a vast difference in the atmosphere between Pottingfield and Nelson road. The Martell's always blamed their absent father for all the ills that befell them. They were deprived children, but you were not. They had nothing, you had every thing.  You have given all to compensate for the depravation the Martell's suffered, they accepted it.  As a parent I tried to be fair, you tried to be martyr's. It must have infuriated you.  One day when you are a parent and try to treat your children fairly, or over indulge them, I wonder if you will react well if they reject your gifts or give them away.

The atmosphere of Pottingfield was lost, to be replaced with the ambience of Nelson road.  Over the years Pauline dominated the family while I spent more time doing other things.  In 1991 we went to Rye for Christopher's Wedding, that was the last time I had any conversation with either of you.
You never mentioned your feelings then, you never accused me of violence, destroying the family, or being a psycho.  You willingly came with me, and I thought you enjoyed the trip.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END
In 1990 while Pauline was South and we were a family again, I thought I would leave Pauline and go back to being a single parent. The timing was not good, pressures built up and I was unable to make a break for it.

I think at that time I must have subconsciously decided to stay only until you and Joanne left school.  Life for me was something to get through for the next six years.  Anything is endurable if it has a end in sight.
When you and Joanne left Doehouse I was distraught.  There was no reason to leave I did not expect to find the house empty when I came in from milking.


PAULINE

You believe all Pauline tells you, I do not.  We have different views of the same object. To you she is your new mother, to me she is the source of unhappiness, despair, and deceit.

I believed that Jon was responsible for spreading lies and accused me of beating the family. It is more likely that Pauline loaded the bullets that Jon fired.  I wonder how I would have acted if I believed some one was beating someone I loved.  Would I be as awkward as Jon. Was this his problem?  I can not forgive him because he failed to check the accusation to see it it was true before taking action.

After she left Doehouse (which was planned in advance) she returned on the Saturday to ask to come back. It was because she was with Joanne and both of you were living elsewhere that I refused.  On this one occasion she under estimated my feelings, the marriage was over.
In an attempt to win me over she wrote me a letter which is in the hands of the solicitor. In the letter she admitted she was the cause of the breakdown of the marriage and apologised.  She also said she was concerned about looking after you, as you did not get on very well with each other.

When I cleaned out the rooms I found soiled underwear in your bedroom. It appeared that you were trying to secret them to avoid problems with Pauline over personal hygiene.  This and the story I recently heard about you trying to cover the fact that you had got drunk and vomited in your room, would indicate that not everything is rosy in the garden at Doehouse.

So why the outrageous letter to me. The only person to love you unconditionally.  You write as if you are the injured party, but you left me. At no time while I lived in Orkney did I stop you seeing me.  Now for my own piece of mind, please leave me alone.  If you want to bitch about you life go to the real source.


What next:

As per the last letter, It would help if you supplied me with your bank account number, sort code, and address of the bank so I could set up a standing order.  You mentioned in your letter that I was paying you £40 which of course I was not. It was Joanne I was paying £42.20 per month, she is or was my daughter. At that time you were a minor and provided for by the DHSS.

I agree with you, Graham is not my son. He also has done me no harm. I can see no reason why I should not help anyone who needs help.  You have no call on my life I shall lead it as I see fit.

The divorce with Pauline is going ahead nicely. Soon all contact will be severed for ever.  You will not be essential to securing maintenance, or help in court. You may find your relationship may change especially when Doehouse is sold.  May I point out that you still need support.  It beggars belief that you can queer your own pitch with stupid senseless letters.

May I respectfully suggest you grow up, look around you, think before you act, and evaluate exactly what has happened.
I have enclosed my reply to My solicitor when I was first issued with a writ. I took all the jotting's from my diary to explain what had happened.

Bear in mind the following fact : I can not be evicted from my home for adultery only violence. That fact Pauline is well aware of.  The writ was not served until Pauline realised I had found some one else.  

Yours sincerely