This is a letter sent by
Pauline after we split up, before she came back to Orkney from South.
Not quite the sort of letter written by a woman in mortal fear of a
brutal husband.
Wood Green
London
monday
Dear Derek
It's taken
me a long time to get round to writing this letter as I've been
feeling so many different things and I didn't think you'd want to
hear and would just throw it away.
There are a
lot of things I want to know and to say but with no encouragement
from you it's difficult to begin.
Have you had
time to think things over?
How do you
feel about me and the future?
How did we
get into such a mess when we loved each other so much?
I don't
suppose that matters now only the future.
what ever we
decide to do we have to at least communicate soon about it.
Underlying
all the reactions I feel a deep sense of grief and loss which I am
trying to sort out.
Page two
from fear of
the future ( undecipherable two words possibly depressing etc.)
I know I
love you and I would like eventually to build a future with some
sort of relationship that we can both agree on.
Before you
dismiss this all out of hand I will be back on Wednesday 19th
I shall be quite happy to discus things after that.
The
(something one word or two) of some time off has given some time to
think and unwind.
I feel very
very sad and know I have been possesive and difficult to live with,
and need to get myself together, but I am very sorry for my
contribution to the general mess and even more so for the way I left.
I never meant to leave you know that, I still can't believe I did.
I'd have come back the next day if you asked me. I can only assume
you were glad to see the back of me but prehaps you know more now
wether you still care for me.
I know I
have accused you of rot but. I always thought you loved me and we
have something special which is worth saving.
Hilary is at
the Manse while I away. I've made sure she has had choices and
contacted
page 3
her
relatives. She wants to stay in Orkney. I think both girls are in a
bit of a state under the surface and will want to see you when things
cool off. Did I tell you I didn't take them away, they were going to
sleep on the beach. They went to stay with a friends before coming to
me not that you want to hear any justification (or attempt at it).
Hilary and me have never been all that close, but we're both female
maybe that helps.
I'm
expecting you reaction to this letter to be angry and dismissive and
shall not to be angry and to listen to your views, something I have
never been good at.
I am worried
that I have had a break and you haven't. I am still willing to look
after the animals if you want a break.
It has taken
some courage to write this in the face of your likely rejection.
|I hope you
at least read it .
Love Pauline
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