Hello
Hi
Dad,
I
thought I’d get in touch to apologise. I’m afraid that last
letter from Granny in May left me rather stunned and hurt, and I
wasn’t sure if you felt the same way as she did, so I didn’t send
an email on your birthday, although I thought about you, as I wasn’t
sure if I was in fact causing more upset to you than anything else by
staying in touch.
However
I wanted to let you know I received Tristan’s parcel for his
birthday, and I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch to say thank you
before now. I realised today that over a month has gone past
since his birthday and although, my staying in touch isn’t perhaps
wanted, I thought I should at least write to say thank you for
sending him the gifts, however belatedly.
He
appreciated the “self-portrait” in the card – for a quick
sketch I was reminded how artistic you are, it’s not a bad
likeness. I wish I was able to draw like that, but I know
Hilary has at least inherited that talent, and Iona seems to have a
love of all things arty, so perhaps it’s skipped a generation.
The
kids are on the last leg of school term and Tristan starts proper
school next September and has been up to meet his new teacher already
– though in typical Tristan fashion can’t tell me anything about
the experience. Iona has done very well in her reception year,
and is top of the class in maths and English – but we knew she was
bright, and as she’s old for her year we had expected her to do
well. I’ll email you the link to their most recent photo
albums on snapfish when I get a moment to upload the recent photos.
I
hope my emailing you doesn’t cause any further upset, but I wanted
you to know that I do think of you a lot and hope that you will keep
in touch.
All
my love
jo
Subject:
RE: Hello
Jo
Thanks for the mail.
Just to pick up on a few things, Your lack of writing seemed to be triggered by my email to you for forwarding to Hilary, after which “you found solace in the family” unquote. I assume that means you became closer to Pauline’s children and extended family. After sending you that mail I realised that normal Martell practice is censorship, so I sent a hard copy to Australia. How ridiculous was that to think you would be so infuriated that you would not send it on? The problems with my mother I believe occurred later.
I was aware of a very strong letter she wanted to send to you but thought I had talked her out of it. She is 84, 85 this September. Her mind is still active but there are moments of confusion. She has a settled life style and broods on problems. She has no friends so bottles things up until I see her, when she unloads all in a two-hour moanfest. The thought of preparing for a visit by Great grandchildren she does not know is overwhelming. What triggered her anger this time was the insertion of a telephone number, written in hand and looked like an after thought in your letter. The same happened with Hilary my mother phoned her and received a tirade of spite and malice trying to drive a wedge between mother and son. This to normal people is considered unacceptable behaviour.
The other thing that triggered such rage was a cleaner in Orkney knows her granddaughter is getting married and NO ONE bothered to tell her. She has had little contact with you since 1988, but that is understandable "from her point of view", in her opinion the fault has been at your end. She can not understand the WHY of what happened or how we went from a loving family to hostility. She has known me very well before, and after Doehouse so is even more baffled by what she hears about what happened in just six year, as they seem to bear no resemblance to my character before or after.
I know you have no memory of Rye, believing you lived in Hastings for four years, but I became a single parent when you were Iona’s age and Hilary, Tristan’s age. For the next few years you may think what I went through, plus holding down a difficult job, politics, and charitable work for Amnesty, Friends of the Earth, World Development Movement, and the Electoral reform society. Parenting is always a new experience for a parent you never know if you are doing right and can easily be convinced you are rubbish at it, that is where loving grandparents come in.
I would love to have a normal relationship with my grandchildren, however that is not possible. Any contact with me will cause problems for you all. You believe Pauline and content with what you have done. Your children are innocent of all that. If it is all right with you I will continue to send presents and would welcome seeing photographs of them on snapfish, you probably post them for others to see so it would not be too inconvenient for you.
I always think of you and avidly follow your blog, but not “twitter “Your play to the BBC was ok, I doubt if it will get very far. The punch line was a tad weak and protracted. Try to be a bit snappier and not too much of a lead up to the punch line. A good twist in the end would be even better.
Next time you get infuriated and do not want to write just send an email “parcel received.” It lets me know you have it and it is not sitting in the front room of a Post office sorter. If you do not want to pass it on censor it or reject as totally unsuitable that is your prerogative as a parent, but it would be helpful to know sizes and likes so as not to throw money away.
Love Dad
Thanks for the mail.
Just to pick up on a few things, Your lack of writing seemed to be triggered by my email to you for forwarding to Hilary, after which “you found solace in the family” unquote. I assume that means you became closer to Pauline’s children and extended family. After sending you that mail I realised that normal Martell practice is censorship, so I sent a hard copy to Australia. How ridiculous was that to think you would be so infuriated that you would not send it on? The problems with my mother I believe occurred later.
I was aware of a very strong letter she wanted to send to you but thought I had talked her out of it. She is 84, 85 this September. Her mind is still active but there are moments of confusion. She has a settled life style and broods on problems. She has no friends so bottles things up until I see her, when she unloads all in a two-hour moanfest. The thought of preparing for a visit by Great grandchildren she does not know is overwhelming. What triggered her anger this time was the insertion of a telephone number, written in hand and looked like an after thought in your letter. The same happened with Hilary my mother phoned her and received a tirade of spite and malice trying to drive a wedge between mother and son. This to normal people is considered unacceptable behaviour.
The other thing that triggered such rage was a cleaner in Orkney knows her granddaughter is getting married and NO ONE bothered to tell her. She has had little contact with you since 1988, but that is understandable "from her point of view", in her opinion the fault has been at your end. She can not understand the WHY of what happened or how we went from a loving family to hostility. She has known me very well before, and after Doehouse so is even more baffled by what she hears about what happened in just six year, as they seem to bear no resemblance to my character before or after.
I know you have no memory of Rye, believing you lived in Hastings for four years, but I became a single parent when you were Iona’s age and Hilary, Tristan’s age. For the next few years you may think what I went through, plus holding down a difficult job, politics, and charitable work for Amnesty, Friends of the Earth, World Development Movement, and the Electoral reform society. Parenting is always a new experience for a parent you never know if you are doing right and can easily be convinced you are rubbish at it, that is where loving grandparents come in.
I would love to have a normal relationship with my grandchildren, however that is not possible. Any contact with me will cause problems for you all. You believe Pauline and content with what you have done. Your children are innocent of all that. If it is all right with you I will continue to send presents and would welcome seeing photographs of them on snapfish, you probably post them for others to see so it would not be too inconvenient for you.
I always think of you and avidly follow your blog, but not “twitter “Your play to the BBC was ok, I doubt if it will get very far. The punch line was a tad weak and protracted. Try to be a bit snappier and not too much of a lead up to the punch line. A good twist in the end would be even better.
Next time you get infuriated and do not want to write just send an email “parcel received.” It lets me know you have it and it is not sitting in the front room of a Post office sorter. If you do not want to pass it on censor it or reject as totally unsuitable that is your prerogative as a parent, but it would be helpful to know sizes and likes so as not to throw money away.
Love Dad
Hi
Dad,
Thanks
for the reply.
I
don’t get “infuriated” easily, and in this case, I think you’ve
picked the wrong word. “Hurt” is how I felt. Magnus
would tell you I don’t anger easily. When I do… well… I
blow and it’s not a pretty sight. Impatience… well that
would be something I would freely admit to. And frustration at
times… yep, that can be me. But I don’t think I get
infuriated easily. (I say think… Magnus might disagree.)
But that’s semantics I suppose. Still, I did want you to know
that it was not infuriation that prevented me from contacting you,
just an unwillingness to be hurt and rejected repeatedly. There
is only so much of that I can manage before I retreat back into my
shell. I’m sure you can identify with that.
I
don’t like ending up in a tete a tete in emails as I don’t think
it ever helps progress a relationship. If you want me to
address your points about your email to Hilary and why I didn’t
send it I will, but I can confirm that she received your hard copy
letter, as unless you sent her your email or contact address with it,
I know she won’t have been able to respond.
As
to the telephone number… What can I say. I typed it in my
last letter to her. I realised before sending the first that
wasn’t on the address, and so it was perhaps an afterthought, but
only because I don’t normally put my telephone number at the top of
letters and used a template to type hers into. I corrected my
mistake the second time around. For your reference: I
don’t usually verbally abuse anyone by telephone. She rang
Hilary I think – and given that we are sisters not clones, it is a
little unfair to expect the same reaction from both of us – besides
you met me for a meal in Grimsby where I thought we had laid a lot of
stuff to rest, I don’t remember verbally abusing you then.
Quite the reverse. I thought I cried a bit and we gave each
other a hug.
With
regards to the memories – I probably have more than you think.
I actually remember living in the temporary house in Hastings before
we moved to Rye and have a reasonable collection of memories from
Anstruther too. I can remember Nan and Grandad visiting us in
Rye (probably because I had a nightmare that night and remember
coming downstairs), and also remember the girlfriend before Pauline.
She had two girls and we went to one of their birthday parties I
think.
I’ll
sort out the photos on snapfish as soon as I get the chance. As
you’ll have noticed the blog has been a bit barren of late as I’ve
been snowed under with work – but I’ll get back to that soon
enough. Tristan is a big lad, and we’re buying 5-6 clothes
for him now even though he’s only 4. He takes after Magnus as
you’ll have noticed from the photos. Iona is about right for
her age. The best rule of thumb when buying gifts is to go
larger than you think as they’ll always grow into them, but they
never shrink! J
Tristan
is still train mad, and Iona loves art and craft.
My
play to the BBC went nowhere, as expected, but it was a challenge.
I’m in the middle of another one at the moment, which is actually
working out a lot better as it’s a proper drama. I’m
hopeful I’ll get that completed in the autumn and across to their
writersroom then. That one won’t be on the blog as it’s too
long.
It’s
lovely to be back in touch.
Much
love
jo
jo
you may get an email about me in madrid.
I am not in madrid, I am looking after two kids and waiting for Erica to kid in England.
Some one has managed to get hold of my account and address book.
Do not send any money, be rest assured I would never ask you for money under any circumstances.
Hope you are enjoying the warm spell
all the best
Dad
you may get an email about me in madrid.
I am not in madrid, I am looking after two kids and waiting for Erica to kid in England.
Some one has managed to get hold of my account and address book.
Do not send any money, be rest assured I would never ask you for money under any circumstances.
Hope you are enjoying the warm spell
all the best
Dad
Jo
thanks
for the mail.
I
tried to contact Hotmail about my account but I seem a bit forgetful
and have had my access deigned. So I will let that account die as it
was only used for a local poetry group and the few members of the
local beekeepers in England, when we were struggling along with 12
members. Now there are more than 120 beekeepers and I know very few
of them.
It
seems odd that someone I don't know will have the ability to destroy
my reputation!
I
seldom use that account and it was only kept live because that was
the last contact details I gave to Hilary when replying to her
abusive letter wishing me a lonely and lingering painful death.
Could
you please pass to her at some stage my preferred e-mail of
derekgoggin@gmail.com
all the nedluddson
addresses are what I use on various poetry groups, and social
networking sites for environmental and human rights campaigners. I
don't think that information needs to be censored as she has made it
clear she has no desire to be associated with me.
My
Mother is out of hospital. She had fluid retention caused by trying
to control her medication. She nearly died. Now she is out and has
completed a 6 week after care supervision by the hospital trust. She
is taking her medication, but is suffering dementia. She is still in
the aggressive stage, and extremely difficult to deal with. She
received a letter from Hilary, very chatty and in your and Pauline's
style, as if 20 years plus had not happened. I hope she does not
reply, her outburst would be distressing. However I do understand
her frustration as she tried her best with Hilary and showed more
love to her than she ever did any one else.
Well
done with your business, I hope it does not interfere with the joy
of raising your children. I know how difficult it can be and you
miss so much trying to work and raise a family, especially as a
single parent with no money. There is no second chance in parenting,
apart from grandparenting. All the mistakes are new, all the
solutions unlearnt. It is easy to think you are not very good at it.
My doubts were compounded by Pauline telling me I was doing it all
wrong. She should know she had 6. My big regret was listening to
her, and sharing her mendacity with my family. That is all water
under the bridge, they are your family now.
CFS
is still bad but getting better, I have had one day without much
pain and stayed awake from 7 am until 9 pm once last year. Mind you
I suffer for the next week because of it. I am going to bed three
times a day but staying awake until after the last bottle feed at 10
pm. ME is an opportunist illness. If I was not so stressed, over
working and took time to rest it would not have gained a foot hold.
Normal rest would have allowed my body to combat the infection.
Pacing rest rest rest and CBT has helped.
We
do not watch Dragons den, but have seen the odd clip. It seems very
ruthless that a manipulative money lender can take over someone’s
business. The Dragons did not have the idea, did not get the
business off the ground, or suffered the financial shortages and
worry of the entrepreneur. Yet they get rich on the back of hard
work. It is all a bit distasteful, even more so when made into a
spectator sport.
We
have 3 Guinea fowl, 3 Silkies, 5 Perkins, 3 khaki Cambells 5
muscovys and a goose. We need a gander the fox took the last one. We
haven't tried the guinea fowl yet we still have a numerous pheasant
to get through first.
Love
Dad
I’ll
forward your email address on to Hilary today for you. I
don’t know whether you’ll get any email from her – but I’ll
forward it along anyway.
I
always did like Silkies. They aren’t egg layers, but
they’re pretty and very strokeable if they’ll allow it.
Sorry
to hear about Granny. I mailed her a Christmas newsletter
with some photos of the kids but I don’t know whether she’ll
have been able to read it, or how it was received. Probably
not too well if your email is anything to go by.
ME
is a nasty illness and balancing rest with everything else is never
easy, especially when you’ve been so used to working so hard.
But hopefully you’ve got people around you to help you out.
I’m guessing you’re still living with someone, and I’m sure
she’s a big help. I doubt you’d manage to run even a
small small-holding single handed with M.E. And the clothes
you send the kids are very much a woman’s choice – but I might
be doing you a disservice there… J
Parenting
is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and there are no
right answers. You just have to muddle through as best you
can. We try all sorts of techniques to keep our two under
control!! Tristan is a handful and although we got past the
terrible twos relatively unscathed, the 5s are causing no end of
problems. He has terrible anger management issues, and I’m
guessing that’s from my side as I have a shocking temper when
riled. Iona behaves so like how I remember Hilary being as we
were growing up that she drives me to distraction and I call her
Hilary when I’m not thinking. What a moan she can be!
Still, there’s a lot of me in her too.
She’s
been diagnosed with high functioning dyslexia which means she won’t
get any support in school. I’m pushing for it anyway, but I
think I’m fighting a losing battle there. We’ve got
someone seeing her privately at home instead. She’s bright,
but words just aren’t her thing. She loves maths though,
and drawing.
I
hope the spring brings with it a new, stable, renewal of energy for
you.
Much
love
Jo
x
Hi
Dad
Just wanted to
touch base and wish you Happy Father’s Day.
I’ve been
thinking about you all day, and while I know my emails sometimes
cause more upset than they are supposed to, I thought I should email
and say I’m thinking of you.
Hilary phoned the
other day and told me Granny had passed away in December.
Obviously I’m
very saddened to hear that. And had I known I would have come
up for the funeral (had I been welcome). I have many fond
memories of childhood with Granny. I know things weren’t easy
towards the end with her dementia, but I’m sure it has still been a
big loss in your life. And I’m sorry to find out about it so
late.
I’ve attached a
couple of more recent photos of the kids. Tristan and Iona
would both like to say thank you for your repeated gifts each
birthday, Christmas and Easter. They often write you cards,
which we can’t deliver, but they do appreciate the money and we try
to make them spend it on “useful things” rather than the rubbish
they more often want to buy!
I might steal
Tristan’s recent HG Wells book off him soon… I haven’t read
Wells in a while.
I hope you’ve
had a lovely day with your new family and the weather has been good
in Northumbria.
Best Wishes and
love
Jo
Hi Dad
Just a quick thank
you for the kids presents. Iona wanted a laptop, and has managed to
get a refurbished one to help her with homework with your money.
Tristan is plotting
on what to spend his on still.
Iona has said she'll
write you an email to say thank you. She's still to young to have
an account of her own, so I'll copy text from them later in the
week.
Hope you haven't
suffered too much storm damage.
Lots of love
Jo
Excuse any spelling
errors and auto-complete nonsense. I'm working remotely and
the keypad on my mobile phone is small!
Jo
in these troubled times success in business and failure are just a bank scare away. Be careful do not over extend yourself or employ anyone you may regret having to let go. When the belt tightens spending money on games deminishes.
our last hen died at the grand old age of 9. the 12 year old drake is still alive and well. We have gone over to Pekin and Silkie bantams you don't have to worry about flying off unlike the ginea fowl which are a nightmare.
all the best
Dad
Hi
Dad,
I’ve
had that email before from numerous accounts – so I figured you
were probably safe and sound up in Ambleside. J
I’m
enjoying the warm spell, and still working like a Trojan on the
business, which is really growing big style this year. At least
I won’t ever have to go back to being an employee! I don’t
think I could now, after being self employed anyway!!
Had
a lovely walk with the dog this morning as the sun came up and it’s
lovely to hear the blackbirds again with the dawn Chorus.
Iona
loved the pic you
sent of yourself with the goats on her birthday. And as I said,
they both like the clothes you sent at Christmas.
Glad
to hear you are OK though. I miss the animals and dreamt Magnus
bought me two chickens as a gift for mothers day… but somehow I
don’t think he’ll ever do that. Animals just aren’t his
thing and the idea of chickens in the garden freaks him out!!
Take
care,
Jo
xx
