letters of a broken family: Hilary 2019

Happy Birthday Hilary

Long time since we exchanged notes. It may be awkward for you, and I understand you not wishing to keep in touch. Your new(Martel) family is demanding that way, and I am obviously the devil incarnate.

There are over 1000 religions that claim to be the true and only one, so some must be false, but which ones? America is a great innovator of faith being the birth place of, the evangelicals, Jehovah witness, Scientology, Christian scientist, Christadelphians, Mormons, etc. there are 310 in America including protestant and catholic. They can not all be the true word of god!

The two troubling and disturbing doctrines I find alarming are, Some one claims to be born again with Jesus in their heart, and God moves in mysterious ways. With God in your heart ,(they, it, He , she) will stop you transgressing, if they do not want you to take a specific action. With god moving in mysterious ways means you can not fathom out what (they, it,he or she) is planning. You must rely on whether you are allowed a course of action. To a true believer they are doing gods work, to the rest of us it looks like criminal activity. Many true believers commit criminal acts on a daily basis doing gods work.(the ends justifies the means). So you can see how, I look on in horror at you, and your sisters development. It is easy to see how a religion feels threatened by non believers and other faiths, and exclude them from the community. Just a short step to hatred and phobias, an even shorter step to threats and punishment.

The internet is liberating, and it may not be possible to contain followers, causing rifts in families. The future would seem to be full of disintegration, and schisms, in all faiths, and a general movement away from them. As a tolerant atheist I will have no problem explaining my actions to any grandchild (if I ever meet one). It may be difficult for others, and far more distressing.

Living in America you may see the first violent disruptions, with a Trump backlash and a call to separate church and state. It is ludicrous that in the 21 century some schools are teaching genesis, and creationism when evolution is evident everywhere.

On a lighter note, you have no memory of your first ten years of life.

My true regret is you were bottle fed. For me it was wonderful and satisfying to feed and care for you. Yes I did change the nappies. We had reusable nappies, soaking in a bucket until washed. Houses with babies had a septic tank smell about them. I know now, that the A1 protein in cows whey is used in formula milk, and this is the root cause of your eczema, and Joanne's croup.

Shirley was gainfully employ in nursing the elderly, and doing a tuck you up service. This meant she had to drive, often at night, and did not drink. Had we stayed in Fife we would probably still be married. Forget what you see now, when you were young she was a vibrant, humorous , and caring mother. All that changed with drink and its availability.

When you were born we had just moved into Crail at Bow Butts, in a Bett house. There were two bedrooms and a box room upstairs and a third bedroom down stairs. It didn't take long for you to move out of the box room. Joanne was still not sleeping all night, so you had a bedroom to yourself. We took the dogs for walks to Roome bay through Denburn wood. You spent most of the summer on Roome Beach. We got Candy at Crail. Shirley's idea to breed from her and make some money. Tammy in her prime and a very active dog that demanded long walks.

We moved to Toll road in 1980. a semi next to the caravan park with half an acre of garden. A third was used for chickens the rest a play area and veg garden. We planted the papples ( cross between a pear and an apple) which bore fruit the year we left. We had red gooseberry bushed white red and black current bushes. I thought the red and white currents were eaten by the birds until I found you, Joanne and the next doors girls eating them.

For long walks we went to Kilrenny via the coast and down the path to the pond and marsh, which was full of frogs, newts and toads. You hatched out some frogs and watched them develop . They sat on the window sill in the kitchen next to the gerbils.

For quick dog walks we went down the old railway line to the Waid academy. On one occasion you demanded a carry, but I said no, so you lay on the ground not moving. We walked all round the field watching you, until we gave up and carried you. Obdurate inheritance!

Judith stayed with us a few times between partners. She met John through CB radio. John was a lorry driver from Aberlady. She eventually moved in with him and had one son Steven. I think John had 3 children from his previous wife. I think he was widowed.

You went to nursery in fife and Joanne went to school. When we moved to Rye you were too young for nursery and was enrolled with Mrs Bee. There was a lovely photograph of you at a painting easel, (alas no longer in existence, allegedly) Why did we move when things were so good?

Things were not that good, I got involved helping residents with closing orders and the threat of eviction. The idea of Closing orders was to improve housing stock. If the landlord or owner could not afford the work, the council would buy the house and re-home the occupant in a council house. Most residents had lived in that home all their lives. The reason for the closing orders was insufficient natural light. The houses had been built prior to the 1800's and had always been dark in the rooms next to the road.

I had no idea what I was doing but it shook the tree. We had bricks through the window and threats on our lives. Shirley's job was under threat and I was harassed by the police. Ming (Menzies Campbell, a barrister and our prospective MP) said keep going we may find out the root cause. It was a classic corruption case, speculators ousting the elderly , doing up the property to sell off at and inflated price.

We heard some officials retired and some one committed suicide (allegedly). It did not stop, just things no longer happened. All was peaceful, but we were in a heightened state of vigilance.

During the campaign I was on National TV twice. One interview was with a young reporter Eddie Mair. Didn't think much of it, he was too flippant and seemed not interested in the victims. The next interview was with Kirsty Wark. I could not tell which eye was looking at me if any. Unknowing what eye to look at is unnerving. Probably a trick she uses to get results. Which she did. I thought then she should go far.

I was asked by our headquarters if I would be prepared to sort out Fairlight. I had a request for transfer registered years before but withdrew it. Shirley said lets go! So we went

Next door in Rye was Allison and Phil. Allison was a club-er and heavy drinker, and needed company. Shirley got sucked in and eventually the drink became more important. She always wanted to run a pub. We were offered a pub to run matching my salary. I tried it, and did not like dealing with violent drunks like Terry. The chance of a pub was too much of a lure. She ran of with Terry to run the pub, the rest is history.

Being a single parent with no money and massive debts was very difficult but rewarding. We were very close, and I spent as much time with you as I could.

I did the ironing late at night, the cooking while you were at school and all the housework while you slept, so when you were awake I had time for you. Our indulgence was swimming. We had to pay for that. Visits to free parks and gardens, the beach, and nature reserves within a days journey we did. We even managed to visit London zoo a couple of times, and the natural history museum. We also did the boat show.

A woman from social services knocked on the door demanding to see the children. I told her we were not on social security, I had a job, needed no help, and closed the door on her. A few weeks later a man from social services visited asked if he could come in for a chat. I brought him in we had coffee and he talked at length to you both. He said the reason he was here was to follow up a report from our doctor that Joanne had vaginal bruising. I knew nothing about that. Allegedly Joanne was playing in the bath and slipped. Granny told her to keep quiet about it or I may get upset. What she meant was I would get a child minder. Social services visited a number of times and filed a report that the bruising was an accident, I was not present at the time and knew nothing about it. The family was a loving unit and the father a devoted and competent father, Case closed. I had not realised that by closing the door on social services opens a child abuse case.

Granny was not a natural babysitter and had problems. Her looking after you was also a way of keeping an eye on her. She was very promiscuous. At some stage she had a dispute or a spat with her mother. She remained close to her mother and loved her dearly but something was unresolved.

When I was eleven and she was 32 her mother died. It was no longer possible to resolve the issue. Racked by guilt she spiraled into mental illness. She had a nervous breakdown, anxiety and depression. Mental health was an experiment in drugs. She tried everything including thalidomide, which she said made her feel better but it was withdrawn for health reasons.

She was addicted to prescription medicines for over twenty years, She had two period of time in a mental institutions which scarred her. She always feared loosing her mind which she eventually did.

My father had type one diabetes. Was on insulin medication and too strict in his diet. He frequently went Hypo. In the evening he would go from a brief happy stage to a violent aggressive stage before lapsing into a comma. I looked after them both staying up until after midnight to ensure they were settled for the night. By fifteen I was burnt out. I did OK at school but constantly tired. I had troubles with relationships being quiet and withdrawn. After joining the Navy to escape, and in a war zone at sixteen, I had my own problems. I lost my faith ( actually threw it away as useless) tried all other religions, and worked out none of them were true , any good, but harmless. I know now, none are harmless, but are a dangerous irrelevance.

While granny child minded she was fed and looked after. She may have seemed a bit odd at times and infuriating. Pauline saw her as a threat and managed to turn you both against her. She opted to leave and get some happiness. Had she stayed I probably would not have married. Granny always loved you. I doubt if she ever loved anyone as much. She certainly never loved me. I was never kissed or cuddled by her, all her life. She never praised anything I did. I was a dutiful son. She rescued me from the orphanage and for that I was eternally grateful.

I may be withdrawn, and difficult to fathom at times. I may have difficulties with relationships and not open up. I may be infuriatingly reticent and want to be alone and unreachable. Any one that has been through the care system is the same. It is a result of a damaged childhood.

So having my own children I wanted to be a model loving father, although I had no role models, and never been loved. As a result I didn't know what to do to be a good father, but I tried my best. Whilst you were in a single parent family you were happy content and did well at school. I told you stories when travelling and read to you every night I could. I tried to give you all the love I never had.

Pauline had six children, styled herself as mother earth, and constantly said I was too close. I tended to believe her, she was the expert, and I never knew what a real family looked like. Thus she wormed her way in, and got between us. Eventually she managed to create the hellish fearful family she had created with her own family, blaming the absent parent for all ills. A sinister shadow on the wall.

Intelligence is passed down the female line. Shirley did not go to university you and Joanne were the first to go, and neither doing what you trained for. I had hoped to send you to the Kirkwall grammar school, that is famous for science, Stomness is artistic. The Stomness academy was also more religious so I didn't get my way on that. The Martel's are obsessed with the supremacy of the male, and females should know their place( a scriptural interpretation ). You were not to compete with Jonathan on anything although infinitely more suited to nursing or medical, but you dumped biology quickly. The best way to stop competition was for you and Joanne to go to Kirkwall and the boys to Stromness. However you would be difficult to control and may exceed, if not constrained, by a non competition agreement, you seem to have developed. There is no reason why your child should not excel if allowed to.

Curiosity is a great aid to learning. I tried to stimulate your curiosity in nature, the environment, and human development. On Sundays I set that time aside to enlighten you on why we have religions , and what they are about. The idea was to encourage disbelief and a search for truth. I failed that one!

Your grandmother Pam was very religious and spiritual. She believed she could see people that had died and could communicate with the dead. Apart from that bit of nonsense she was quite intelligent with an odd sense of humour. Shirley and you inherited the humour.

When Shirley and I split up, she visited and said she was always there if needed but said I should struggle on as a single parent. She spent more time with Judith and her children hoping that Shirley would return. Her advice to me on the breakup with Pauline was to get God and get back together. She had never been in a coercive relationship, with a violent psychopath. There is no way I would ever return once I had escaped. I did it once and the violence only increased. Control freaks only know how to control and do the minimum to achieve their aims. Religion is the best coercive control invented.

In 1991ish a Methodist preacher came to the Christian whatever, you use to attend. He was a serial paedophile and tried to groom the children. Being homosexual he was only interested in damaged boys. It did not stop Joanne (allegedly) accusing me of horrendous crimes. But all to no avail she was not special enough. Unknown to me Jonathan was invited to attend a seminar with Mr Hamilton in a caravan near Dunbar. Pauline agreed. When I heard, I stopped it. Christianity is one thing, abuse is another, chaos ensues when they come together. I would not waiver and Jonathan did not go. I then phoned the chief inspector of police at Fettes as I did not know the new chief constable at Haddington. I believe he was put under observation and eventually caught and prosecuted for child abuse. I don't think Jonathan forgave me.

It must be remembered that raising a family is not science but an art form. There is no absolute way that is fool proof. You do what you think is best at the time. You could tell your child not to pick their nose or they will have a nose like a wart. You could wait until the child has a nose like a wart and say that comes from picking your nose, neither is absolutely correct

I send books to Iona and Tristan hopefully to inspire and motivate. Never received a thank you from them yet. They have never tried to contact me, but then I only have Joanne's word they get them. I also sent the same books to Ellie and other family Grandchildren. A visitor looked at the books and said who sent you these. The reply was my Granddad, to which they replied, some cool dude. I will not be some cool dude to Jasmine. Open her mind and let her fly.

Tempus fugit

carpe diem

pax vobiscum

love dad

Dear Derek,

I am pretty sure that you are trying to have a relationship with me as you send email sporadically. We have spoke previously in emails about talking about current life versus dwelling in the past.

I am sorry that you still blame everything on the Martell’s and Christianity. To rudely say I have no memories until I was 10 is extremely wrong and offensive. I obviously have no memories of my mother and father actually being together or living in Fife as I was too young. I have lots of fond memories of my granny, spending time with her, my sister building igloos waiting for you to come home, watching top of the pops, doctor who. Stupid family walks that I refused to walk. Being taken to dance classes, the cafe eating cake. Going to the market, fluorescent socks. Visiting my mom down the street, my brother Christopher.

The worst part of my life is ORKNEY, you really no nothing about me now or what I did between 15 and you reaching out in my late 30’s so you have missed out on most of my life. My mom, she has a better job at keeping in touch. Yes she may be an alcoholic but she tries, she messages me she cares.

I am happy to email you and try to create a relationship if you want. Your granddaughter Jasmine is beautiful, very loving and I am trying to give her a good life.

We went to see Hot wheels monster truck event for her Birthday and I even pulled off a birthday party for her. Not like my parties when I was a child, you did lots of games, had lots of kids round not sure how you did it. We played on the horses, dune buggy and quad bike. Her friends from her outdoor pre-K school loved it. I made cakes had cheese and meat stuck on cocktail sticks. I tried to make them like I remembered as a kid. So I wrapped a potato in foil, stuck eyes on.

Here is a couple of pics of Jazzy. I plan to take her to a Christmas event that has a kids Zip. I don’t think it will be as cool as the coastguard zip line that I remember but I was little I just remember the zip seat.

I will email you some more pictures from that event.

thank you for the dear Derek.

Jasmin looks lovely.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

I shall not bother you again.

Love Dad

Hi,

I am interested in creating a new relationship with you. Please feel free to email and let me know how you are doing. What you are getting up too.

I am hoping to take Jasmine to the Christmas event this weekend I will send you some pictures.

How is your MS? How you feeling.

For me work is going well, I changed jobs this year to have better work life balance. It is going well. I’m excited as I am taking next week off work but that means I have extra work to do this week to make that happen. So now I work as a conservator worker, working with families after the state has removed their children due to abuse or neglect. It is less hectic then when I was an investigator.

I recently bought a road bike as well and complete my Motorbike test just before my birthday.

I will probably spend my week off working o my car, need to change the tire rods, install a new front dam on the mustang and change my back wheels. I also really need to fix the roof on my pump house as the corrugated roof was recently damaged.

As you know maintaining a property takes work, we are also working in the fences and replacing the fencing around the property. One of our dogs is too good at escaping and so we have to make sure the fencing is buried.

Hope you have a good day,