Happy
Birthday Hilary
Long
time since we exchanged notes. It may be awkward for you, and I
understand you not wishing to keep in touch. Your new(Martel) family
is demanding that way, and I am obviously the devil incarnate.
There
are over 1000 religions that claim to be the true and only one, so
some must be false, but which ones? America is a great innovator of
faith being the birth place of, the evangelicals, Jehovah witness,
Scientology, Christian scientist, Christadelphians, Mormons, etc.
there are 310 in America including protestant and catholic. They can
not all be the true word of god!
The
two troubling and disturbing doctrines I find alarming are, Some one
claims to be born again with Jesus in their heart, and God moves in
mysterious ways. With God in your heart ,(they, it, He , she) will
stop you transgressing, if they do not want you to take a specific
action. With god moving in mysterious ways means you can not fathom
out what (they, it,he or she) is planning. You must rely on whether
you are allowed a course of action. To a true believer they are doing
gods work, to the rest of us it looks like criminal activity. Many
true believers commit criminal acts on a daily basis doing gods
work.(the ends justifies the means). So you can see how, I look on in
horror at you, and your sisters development. It is easy to see how a
religion feels threatened by non believers and other faiths, and
exclude them from the community. Just a short step to hatred and
phobias, an even shorter step to threats and punishment.
The
internet is liberating, and it may not be possible to contain
followers, causing rifts in families. The future would seem to be
full of disintegration, and schisms, in all faiths, and a general
movement away from them. As a tolerant atheist I will have no problem
explaining my actions to any grandchild (if I ever meet one). It may
be difficult for others, and far more distressing.
Living
in America you may see the first violent disruptions, with a Trump
backlash and a call to separate church and state. It is ludicrous
that in the 21 century some schools are teaching genesis, and
creationism when evolution is evident everywhere.
On
a lighter note, you have no memory of your first ten years of life.
My
true regret is you were bottle fed. For me it was wonderful and
satisfying to feed and care for you. Yes I did change the nappies. We
had reusable nappies, soaking in a bucket until washed. Houses with
babies had a septic tank smell about them. I know now, that the A1
protein in cows whey is used in formula milk, and this is the root
cause of your eczema, and Joanne's croup.
Shirley
was gainfully employ in nursing the elderly, and doing a tuck you up
service. This meant she had to drive, often at night, and did not
drink. Had we stayed in Fife we would probably still be married.
Forget what you see now, when you were young she was a vibrant,
humorous , and caring mother. All that changed with drink and its
availability.
When
you were born we had just moved into Crail at Bow Butts, in a Bett
house. There were two bedrooms and a box room upstairs and a third
bedroom down stairs. It didn't take long for you to move out of the
box room. Joanne was still not sleeping all night, so you had a
bedroom to yourself. We took the dogs for walks to Roome bay through
Denburn wood. You spent most of the summer on Roome Beach. We got
Candy at Crail. Shirley's idea to breed from her and make some money.
Tammy in her prime and a very active dog that demanded long walks.
We
moved to Toll road in 1980. a semi next to the caravan park with half
an acre of garden. A third was used for chickens the rest a play area
and veg garden. We planted the papples ( cross between a pear and an
apple) which bore fruit the year we left. We had red gooseberry
bushed white red and black current bushes. I thought the red and
white currents were eaten by the birds until I found you, Joanne and
the next doors girls eating them.
For
long walks we went to Kilrenny via the coast and down the path to the
pond and marsh, which was full of frogs, newts and toads. You hatched
out some frogs and watched them develop . They sat on the window sill
in the kitchen next to the gerbils.
For
quick dog walks we went down the old railway line to the Waid
academy. On one occasion you demanded a carry, but I said no, so you
lay on the ground not moving. We walked all round the field watching
you, until we gave up and carried you. Obdurate inheritance!
Judith
stayed with us a few times between partners. She met John through CB
radio. John was a lorry driver from Aberlady. She eventually moved in
with him and had one son Steven. I think John had 3 children from his
previous wife. I think he was widowed.
You
went to nursery in fife and Joanne went to school. When we moved to
Rye you were too young for nursery and was enrolled with Mrs Bee.
There was a lovely photograph of you at a painting easel, (alas no
longer in existence, allegedly) Why did we move when things were so
good?
Things
were not that good, I got involved helping residents with closing
orders and the threat of eviction. The idea of Closing orders was to
improve housing stock. If the landlord or owner could not afford the
work, the council would buy the house and re-home the occupant in a
council house. Most residents had lived in that home all their lives.
The reason for the closing orders was insufficient natural light. The
houses had been built prior to the 1800's and had always been dark in
the rooms next to the road.
I
had no idea what I was doing but it shook the tree. We had bricks
through the window and threats on our lives. Shirley's job was under
threat and I was harassed by the police. Ming (Menzies Campbell, a
barrister and our prospective MP) said keep going we may find out the
root cause. It was a classic corruption case, speculators ousting the
elderly , doing up the property to sell off at and inflated price.
We
heard some officials retired and some one committed suicide
(allegedly). It did not stop, just things no longer happened. All was
peaceful, but we were in a heightened state of vigilance.
During
the campaign I was on National TV twice. One interview was with a
young reporter Eddie Mair. Didn't think much of it, he was too
flippant and seemed not interested in the victims. The next interview
was with Kirsty Wark. I could not tell which eye was looking at me if
any. Unknowing what eye to look at is unnerving. Probably a trick she
uses to get results. Which she did. I thought then she should go far.
I
was asked by our headquarters if I would be prepared to sort out
Fairlight. I had a request for transfer registered years before but
withdrew it. Shirley said lets go! So we went
Next
door in Rye was Allison and Phil. Allison was a club-er and heavy
drinker, and needed company. Shirley got sucked in and eventually the
drink became more important. She always wanted to run a pub. We were
offered a pub to run matching my salary. I tried it, and did not like
dealing with violent drunks like Terry. The chance of a pub was too
much of a lure. She ran of with Terry to run the pub, the rest is
history.
Being
a single parent with no money and massive debts was very difficult
but rewarding. We were very close, and I spent as much time with you
as I could.
I
did the ironing late at night, the cooking while you were at school
and all the housework while you slept, so when you were awake I had
time for you. Our indulgence was swimming. We had to pay for that.
Visits to free parks and gardens, the beach, and nature reserves
within a days journey we did. We even managed to visit London zoo a
couple of times, and the natural history museum. We also did the boat
show.
A
woman from social services knocked on the door demanding to see the
children. I told her we were not on social security, I had a job,
needed no help, and closed the door on her. A few weeks later a man
from social services visited asked if he could come in for a chat. I
brought him in we had coffee and he talked at length to you both. He
said the reason he was here was to follow up a report from our doctor
that Joanne had vaginal bruising. I knew nothing about that.
Allegedly Joanne was playing in the bath and slipped. Granny told her
to keep quiet about it or I may get upset. What she meant was I would
get a child minder. Social services visited a number of times and
filed a report that the bruising was an accident, I was not present
at the time and knew nothing about it. The family was a loving unit
and the father a devoted and competent father, Case closed. I had not
realised that by closing the door on social services opens a child
abuse case.
Granny
was not a natural babysitter and had problems. Her looking after you
was also a way of keeping an eye on her. She was very promiscuous. At
some stage she had a dispute or a spat with her mother. She remained
close to her mother and loved her dearly but something was
unresolved.
When
I was eleven and she was 32 her mother died. It was no longer
possible to resolve the issue. Racked by guilt she spiraled into
mental illness. She had a nervous breakdown, anxiety and depression.
Mental health was an experiment in drugs. She tried everything
including thalidomide, which she said made her feel better but it was
withdrawn for health reasons.
She
was addicted to prescription medicines for over twenty years, She had
two period of time in a mental institutions which scarred her. She
always feared loosing her mind which she eventually did.
My
father had type one diabetes. Was on insulin medication and too
strict in his diet. He frequently went Hypo. In the evening he would
go from a brief happy stage to a violent aggressive stage before
lapsing into a comma. I looked after them both staying up until after
midnight to ensure they were settled for the night. By fifteen I was
burnt out. I did OK at school but constantly tired. I had troubles
with relationships being quiet and withdrawn. After joining the Navy
to escape, and in a war zone at sixteen, I had my own problems. I
lost my faith ( actually threw it away as useless) tried all other
religions, and worked out none of them were true , any good, but
harmless. I know now, none are harmless, but are a dangerous
irrelevance.
While
granny child minded she was fed and looked after. She may have seemed
a bit odd at times and infuriating. Pauline saw her as a threat and
managed to turn you both against her. She opted to leave and get some
happiness. Had she stayed I probably would not have married. Granny
always loved you. I doubt if she ever loved anyone as much. She
certainly never loved me. I was never kissed or cuddled by her, all
her life. She never praised anything I did. I was a dutiful son. She
rescued me from the orphanage and for that I was eternally grateful.
I
may be withdrawn, and difficult to fathom at times. I may have
difficulties with relationships and not open up. I may be
infuriatingly reticent and want to be alone and unreachable. Any one
that has been through the care system is the same. It is a result of
a damaged childhood.
So
having my own children I wanted to be a model loving father, although
I had no role models, and never been loved. As a result I didn't know
what to do to be a good father, but I tried my best. Whilst you were
in a single parent family you were happy content and did well at
school. I told you stories when travelling and read to you every
night I could. I tried to give you all the love I never had.
Pauline
had six children, styled herself as mother earth, and constantly said
I was too close. I tended to believe her, she was the expert, and I
never knew what a real family looked like. Thus she wormed her way
in, and got between us. Eventually she managed to create the hellish
fearful family she had created with her own family, blaming the
absent parent for all ills. A sinister shadow on the wall.
Intelligence
is passed down the female line. Shirley did not go to university you
and Joanne were the first to go, and neither doing what you trained
for. I had hoped to send you to the Kirkwall grammar school, that is
famous for science, Stomness is artistic. The Stomness academy was
also more religious so I didn't get my way on that. The Martel's are
obsessed with the supremacy of the male, and females should know
their place( a scriptural interpretation ). You were not to compete
with Jonathan on anything although infinitely more suited to nursing
or medical, but you dumped biology quickly. The best way to stop
competition was for you and Joanne to go to Kirkwall and the boys to
Stromness. However you would be difficult to control and may exceed,
if not constrained, by a non competition agreement, you seem to have
developed. There is no reason why your child should not excel if
allowed to.
Curiosity
is a great aid to learning. I tried to stimulate your curiosity in
nature, the environment, and human development. On Sundays I set that
time aside to enlighten you on why we have religions , and what they
are about. The idea was to encourage disbelief and a search for
truth. I failed that one!
Your
grandmother Pam was very religious and spiritual. She believed she
could see people that had died and could communicate with the dead.
Apart from that bit of nonsense she was quite intelligent with an odd
sense of humour. Shirley and you inherited the humour.
When
Shirley and I split up, she visited and said she was always there if
needed but said I should struggle on as a single parent. She spent
more time with Judith and her children hoping that Shirley would
return. Her advice to me on the breakup with Pauline was to get God
and get back together. She had never been in a coercive relationship,
with a violent psychopath. There is no way I would ever return once I
had escaped. I did it once and the violence only increased. Control
freaks only know how to control and do the minimum to achieve their
aims. Religion is the best coercive control invented.
In
1991ish a Methodist preacher came to the Christian whatever, you use
to attend. He was a serial paedophile and tried to groom the
children. Being homosexual he was only interested in damaged boys. It
did not stop Joanne (allegedly) accusing me of horrendous crimes. But
all to no avail she was not special enough. Unknown to me Jonathan
was invited to attend a seminar with Mr Hamilton in a caravan near
Dunbar. Pauline agreed. When I heard, I stopped it. Christianity is
one thing, abuse is another, chaos ensues when they come together. I
would not waiver and Jonathan did not go. I then phoned the chief
inspector of police at Fettes as I did not know the new chief
constable at Haddington. I believe he was put under observation and
eventually caught and prosecuted for child abuse. I don't think
Jonathan forgave me.
It
must be remembered that raising a family is not science but an art
form. There is no absolute way that is fool proof. You do what you
think is best at the time. You could tell your child not to pick
their nose or they will have a nose like a wart. You could wait until
the child has a nose like a wart and say that comes from picking your
nose, neither is absolutely correct
I
send books to Iona and Tristan hopefully to inspire and motivate.
Never received a thank you from them yet. They have never tried to
contact me, but then I only have Joanne's word they get them. I also
sent the same books to Ellie and other family Grandchildren. A
visitor looked at the books and said who sent you these. The reply
was my Granddad, to which they replied, some cool dude. I will not be
some cool dude to Jasmine. Open her mind and let her fly.
Tempus
fugit
carpe
diem
pax
vobiscum
love
dad
Dear Derek,
I am pretty sure that
you are trying to have a relationship with me as you send email
sporadically. We have spoke previously in emails about talking
about current life versus dwelling in the past.
I am sorry that you
still blame everything on the Martell’s and Christianity. To
rudely say I have no memories until I was 10 is extremely wrong and
offensive. I obviously have no memories of my mother and
father actually being together or living in Fife as I was too young.
I have lots of fond memories of my granny, spending time with her, my
sister building igloos waiting for you to come home, watching top of
the pops, doctor who. Stupid family walks that I refused to walk.
Being taken to dance classes, the cafe eating cake. Going to the
market, fluorescent socks. Visiting my mom down the street, my
brother Christopher.
The worst part of my
life is ORKNEY, you really no nothing about me now or what I did
between 15 and you reaching out in my late 30’s so you have missed
out on most of my life. My mom, she has a better job at keeping
in touch. Yes she may be an alcoholic but she tries, she
messages me she cares.
I am happy to email you
and try to create a relationship if you want. Your
granddaughter Jasmine is beautiful, very loving and I am trying to
give her a good life.
We went to see Hot
wheels monster truck event for her Birthday and I even pulled off a
birthday party for her. Not like my parties when I was a child,
you did lots of games, had lots of kids round not sure how you did
it. We played on the horses, dune buggy and quad bike.
Her friends from her outdoor pre-K school loved it. I made
cakes had cheese and meat stuck on cocktail sticks. I tried to make
them like I remembered as a kid. So I wrapped a potato in foil,
stuck eyes on.
Here is a couple of
pics of Jazzy. I plan to take her to a Christmas event that has
a kids Zip. I don’t think it will be as cool as the
coastguard zip line that I remember but I was little I just remember
the zip seat.
I will email you some
more pictures from that event.
thank
you for the dear Derek.
Jasmin
looks lovely.
I
hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
I
shall not bother you again.
Love
Dad
I am interested in creating a new relationship with you. Please feel free to email and let me know how you are doing. What you are getting up too.
I am hoping to take Jasmine to the Christmas event this weekend I will send you some pictures.
How is your MS? How you feeling.
For me work is going well, I changed jobs this year to have better work life balance. It is going well. I’m excited as I am taking next week off work but that means I have extra work to do this week to make that happen. So now I work as a conservator worker, working with families after the state has removed their children due to abuse or neglect. It is less hectic then when I was an investigator.
I recently bought a road bike as well and complete my Motorbike test just before my birthday.
I will probably spend my week off working o my car, need to change the tire rods, install a new front dam on the mustang and change my back wheels. I also really need to fix the roof on my pump house as the corrugated roof was recently damaged.
As you know maintaining a property takes work, we are also working in the fences and replacing the fencing around the property. One of our dogs is too good at escaping and so we have to make sure the fencing is buried.
Hope you have a good day,
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Tue, Dec 17, 2019, 6:47 PM
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It is a lot to think about.
I find it difficult to be hated by the two I have loved.
I am not Sisyphus, and it is heartbreaking.
Is it better to live the rest of my life in peace tranquility, or torment.
It is encouraging to know you remember Rye and felt you were happy. You hate Orkney. ergo what was different?
love dad
